Sunday, March 10, 2013

A Piece Of My Soul 1

Here's a little excerpt from something I'm writing, AKA me displaying a little piece of my soul. I would really love some CONSTRUCTIVE feedback, be it positive or negative. 
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The dinner proceeds in a typical and uncomfortable fashion. Mr. Aarons and my father make negotiations with business lingo that is nearly indecipherable. Mrs. Aarons has receded into herself, only nodding her agreement when the men speak. Luke is holding my hand under the table; not in a possessive way or a demanding way. He’s just listening to the businessmen’s conversation, holding my hand. This is the way things used to be between us, years ago, when we first started seriously dating. Luke would always hold my hand or wrap an arm around me or kiss me just because he liked touching me. It’s little moments like these that let me know somewhere, lurking in the depths of his being, there is real love for me. And it’s little moments like these that cause me more pain than any sort of physical damage Luke could possibly inflict.

Once appetizers have been picked at, miniscule dinner entrees devoured, and napkins set atop plates, Mr. Aarons stands with a very charming, very schmoozing grin and announces a smoke break. My father and several suited men accompany him to the back porch. I am shocked when Luke jumps to his feet and follows them. Luke has a lot of flaws, but smoke makes him sick. As he shuffles out the glass-paned French door, Luke quickly glances back at me, forehead creased. 

Mrs. Aarons beams at me from across the table, ignoring the few businessmen that decided to remain. I don’t get why she’s so happy-happy-joy-joy tonight. Usually she hides inside of her little shell until every last stranger has driven away. But all of a sudden she has emerged from it, eyes twinkling. The easy assumption would be that she’s drunk, but Mrs. Aarons never drinks. At least, not in front of others.

Nobody speaks, and I feel extraordinary awkward because Mrs. Aarons just keeps looking at me and grinning. 

Call me queen of observation, but I think something is going on. 

Several minutes later, the men file back into the dining room. Luke exchanges a look with my father and his. They return to their seats. Luke does not; instead, he approaches me. Any concern he may have been wearing earlier has vanished, replaced with a slight curve of his lips. Gazes cling to us from all around the table and the only thing I can do is swallow my wonderful What The Hell face and smile, like surprises from Luke are my favorite. 

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So, opinions would be nice! If you have anything on your blog that you would like feedback on, feel free to let me know! :D 

2 comments:

Dianne K. Salerni said...

This is nicely written, with lots of good details and a strong voice for the MC. I'd like some clues about the age of the MC, since she and Luke have been together for "years."

It sounds as if her feelings for Luke have dimmed, or something between them has drastically changed. I also get the sense that plans are being made behind her back that she is supposed to be thrilled about -- but which might not thrill her at all.

And I would go ahead and name or otherwise describe the "businessmen" present besides Mr. Aaron and her father, because using that same word over and over seems like a placeholder to me. (As in, I'm not sure who's in this scene just yet, so I'll call them businessmen.) They don't necessarily need names, but they could be clients, bosses, lawyers, etc.

It's a good opening! I hope that feedback is useful!

BookBreather said...

Dianne, that is actually wonderful! This passage was taken out of the middle of a scene, so I love that you're picking up on the things that I want you to (such as the MC's feelings for Luke, and the plans being made behind her back).

You made a very valid point about the "businessmen" thing, and I'll definitely look at expanding that a little.